You Never Really Know Until You Try
by TKR.87
Summary: Relationships can be scary and when you're scared, you make mistakes and make decisions that maybe you will regret but you never really know until you try, right? A/C pairing. Currently a one shot, may become multi chapter.


**I know I have other stories on the go, and I haven't updated in a few days but I haven't been very well and now I'm feeling somewhat better. I can't seem to get anywhere with the others stories at the moment, and this one kind of popped into my head and had been bugging me for a while so I decided to give it a go. It's primarily a one shot but might become multi chapter, depending on the feedback.**

**It's Alex/Casey pairing with Alex/Olivia/Casey friendship. Kind of AU, as in Witness Protection never happened for Alex and neither did Casey's censure. Alex is Bureau Chief and Casey is an ADA. **

**Disclaimer: Don't own SVU, or any of its characters.**

You never really know until you try

"I just don't get it Olivia, why would she say those things?" Casey asked through her tears as she sat on the brown leather couch that resided in her best friend's apartment.

"I don't know" Olivia answers honestly. Her heart is breaking for the younger woman and she doesn't know how to comfort her. Usually she can, usually she knows just what it is Casey needs but she herself can't answer that question.

"I'm not repulsive, am I?" Casey questions sadly

"Gosh Casey, of course not" Olivia assured the redhead, pulling her into a hug

"Then why did Alex say I was, Liv? I thought we were friends, was I reading everything wrong?"

Casey and Alex had grown close over the last few months and while it was no secret that Casey preferred the company of the same sex, Alex's sexuality had never really featured in any conversation.

Casey had found herself thinking of the blonde more and more, and realised her feelings for Alex were more than friendly. After a battle with herself over what to do, she had taken the plunge and kissed the blonde. She hadn't been expecting the reaction she received, which resembled utter disgust and the words that Alex had spoken had cut deep into the redhead's heart.

"Case, I don't know what to say babe. I don't know why Alex reacted like that. Maybe she's not gay, but that doesn't excuse what she said" Olivia tried, still unsure of what to say as she released the redhead

She had known Alex for a considerable while longer than she had Casey but the blonde was always guarded and didn't really talk about her personal life much. Olivia had suspected the blonde to bat for their team but she hadn't reached a definitive conclusion either way and now she felt bad for urging Casey to go for it.

"I don't know Liv, maybe it's just me. I mean, look at me, I'm not much to look at, I'm 34, single, my career is heading nowhere, I rent a shabby two bed apartment…why would she be interested?"

"Casey. You're gorgeous. Don't put yourself down; you're smart, kind, caring and successful. Many people would be interested?"

"Then why am I still single Olivia? Why do I never get dates, not that I want them, I just…what is so horrible about me that Alex was repulsed?"

Olivia sighed as she shook her head "Casey…I'm going to call Alex"

"What? Why? Olivia, don't. I don't need her knowing she upset me" Casey said reaching out to grip the brunette's arm "Please"

"Casey, we're not as close as you and I but I would like to think we're friends. I want to know what she was thinking" Olivia explained, handing the redhead a beer "Drink this, I'll be back"

"Hey, where are you going?"

"Maybe I should go round to her, let her know what I really think"

"Liv! Please, just leave it" Casey says wiping the stray tears that have fallen

"No, Case, she upset you, she made you feel bad about yourself. Nobody does that without an explanation. I'll call her…I won't be a minute"

Casey nodded and watched Olivia head into her bedroom.

Olivia sighed as she ran her hand through her hair; she had to get to the bottom of what had happened.

"Hello?"

"Alex, its Olivia"

"Hey Liv…" Alex sounded strange, but Olivia couldn't put her finger on it

"Alex, I'm with Casey"

"Oh god…Liv, I didn't…is she okay?"

Olivia realised what it was as she heard the blonde sniff, Alex was crying.

"Alex, are you okay?"

"I upset her didn't I?"

"Yes. What were you thinking? You couldn't have let her down gently?" Olivia asked

"I didn't mean it Liv. She's not repulsive; I'm not repulsed, not at all. In fact, I think she's beautiful, she's perfect. I just…I was scared, I'm still scared"

"What are you scared of?" Olivia asked gently

"I've never…Liv, I really don't want to get into this over the phone"

"Alex, you really hurt her. She's always been self conscious; you really lifted her confidence by saying all that stuff"

"I didn't mean it" Alex said, her voice cracking as she sobbed into the phone

Olivia sighed as she shifted the phone to the opposite ear "Alex, can we come over?"

"I…why?"

"Because you and Casey need to talk and I'm not happy leaving you on your own, or her. Please?"

"Okay" Alex concedes quietly

"We won't be long" Olivia says gently before hanging up and heading back into the living room where Casey is standing, looking at herself in the mirror, attempting to flatten her hair, her nose turned up as she does so. "Casey"

Casey turns and looks at Olivia "I'm ugly"

"No" Olivia says sternly "You're beautiful. Casey, never think you're anything less than beautiful, please"

Casey shrugs her shoulders "Why, Liv? Why did she say those things?"

"Case, we're going over to Alex's. She was really upset Case"

"Well, that fits" Casey retorts still picking at her clothes

Olivia reaches out and stops her movements. "Casey. I think there's more to the story than we both know. I don't know why she said those things, she told me she was scared but she wouldn't talk to me over the phone"

"She was crying?" Casey asks

Olivia nods "Yes. I've never seen Alex cry, or heard her cry. Whatever happened this morning, there was a reason for it"

Casey shrugs "So we're going over there?"

"Yes, because you need to talk to her and she to you, and I don't feel comfortable leaving either of you on your own"

* * *

Casey lifts a hand to the door before lowering it again "I can't"

"Yes you can Case" Olivia says quietly "Give her a chance to explain"

"I…" Casey begins before grabbing Olivia's hand as the door opens, revealing a red eyed Alex Cabot.

"Casey, Olivia" the blonde says tearfully "Come in"

"Alex" Olivia says sadly "What's going on?"

Alex sighs as she slumps down onto her couch, folding her arms across her chest "I…Case…I…I'm sorry"

"It really hurt Alex. If you don't like me, then fine, but do I really repulse you?" the redhead asked

"No! Not at all" Alex says loudly "Casey, I…I really like you, I just…"

"Just what?!" Casey retorts angrily "I know I'm not the prettiest person about, but that still hurt"

"What are you talking about Casey? You're gorgeous. I was just scared. I'd dreamed about kissing you for ages but I didn't know how to approach you and when you kissed me, I was…I've never been good at relationships, I mess them up and I didn't want to do that with us. But I guess I did anyway" Alex explains before she allows the tears to fall for the first time since letting Casey and Olivia into her apartment.

Olivia feels like a spare part and decides to head into the kitchen and make some drinks to comfort the blonde and redhead.

Meanwhile Casey is at a loss of what to say "I don't know what to say"

"Say anything; tell me what you're thinking"

Casey stands and sits beside the blonde, taken her trembling hand in her own "Is this okay?"

Alex swallows and nods her head "Yeah"

"You hurt me Alex. I've never been confident in myself. I don't do relationships because I never think I deserve to be in one. But you, you always made me feel good about myself, we'd have a laugh and I thought we were friends"

"Casey, I never meant to hurt you. I don't know why I said those things. You don't repulse me, on the contrary, actually. You're not stupid, you're smart and brave. You make me feel things I never thought I'd feel, you're amazing and I'm an idiot"

"Yes you are" Casey said smiling as she leant into the blonde, licking her lips she gazed at the gloss covered lips before back at cerulean eyes

Alex swallowed, her heart beating rapidly as she waited for the contact. Her palms were sweating and she felt nervous, yet excited.

Casey glanced up at the blonde's eyes, and was concerned to see uncertainty in the blonde's eyes

"Alex..?"

Alex shook her head "I'm scared, what if I do it wrong?"

"It's just a kiss Alex; you've done it before…" she says before furrowing her brows "Haven't you?"

Alex blushes before lowering her head "Not with…a woman"

"I thought…"

"I've always denied I was gay, I just…my parents, they would have disowned me and my job…"

Casey sighs "You're not out?"

"No" Alex says honestly

"Would you come out, if you were in a relationship with a woman?" Casey asks

Alex shrugs "I don't know"

Casey nods her head as she stands "This won't work Alex. I'm sorry. I…I shouldn't have come over"

"Casey, please"

Olivia enters, noticing the shift in atmosphere she raises her brows "Everything okay?"

"Can we go?" Casey asks the brunette

"Casey, don't, please" Alex begs again, tears escaping her eyes

"I can't. Liv, I want to go home"

Olivia looks at the two women, who are both crying and doesn't know what to do, she wants to go with Casey but she doesn't want to leave Alex either

"What happened?"

"I don't want to talk about it" Casey says

"Alex?"

"Casey, I'm sorry" Alex sobs

"No I am. I'm sorry this happened, I'm sorry I kissed you, I'm sorry I came over" Casey says quietly "Liv, you coming?"

"Casey, stay. Please, can we not talk about this? Olivia, please, let me explain" Alex begs, her tears in fall flow.

"Casey"

"I don't want to hear it. Can I use your bathroom, Alex?"

Alex nods and watches sadly as Casey retreats along the hall.

"Care to tell me what the hell happened, Alex?"

Alex sighs as she wipes her tears frantically "We talked. I told her I liked her, and she was going to kiss me. I freaked out and told her, I'd never kissed a woman before. I told her I wasn't out and she asked if I'd come out if I was in a relationship. I didn't want to lie, so I said I didn't know"

"Oh Alex"

"I really like her Olivia, I do. I just, I've always kept my personal life private. It would be a huge change coming out…in my first relationship with a woman as well"

"Stay here, let me talk to Casey" Olivia tells the blonde, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder before heading towards the bathroom.

"Casey, it's me. Let me in, please"

The door opens and Casey gives a small smile "I'm such an idiot"

"Hey. You're anything but an idiot Case. It's just hard for Alex, you know"

"Why?"

"Casey. Just because it was an easy thing for you to come out to your parents, it doesn't mean it's like that for everyone. You were lucky that your Mom and Dad were accepting. Telling my Mom was the hardest thing ever, she was drunk, she was violent, she kept screaming that no one else would have me and then said, at least I don't have to worry about Grandbabies"

"Oh Liv"

"I got over it. But it took me a long time to trust anyone with that information again and I still don't offer it up easily" Olivia explained "But I know it's hard and for Alex, it must have been terrifying. Her parents, they were rich, very important people, and they really wouldn't have taken this information well"

"I guess because I found it easy, I don't think that it could have been any different" Casey says guiltily

"Alex's Father died many years ago, it's just her Mom now and I don't know what that situation is like now but it must be so hard to come out at 36, for the first time"

Casey buries her head in her hand and begins to sob "I am such a bitch"

"Come on"

"I can't go out there Olivia. What am I supposed to do?"

"Um, talk to Alex. Work something out, be open and honest and listen to her"

Casey nods as she takes a deep breath "Stay"

* * *

"I'm sorry" Casey says approaching the blonde as she and Olivia enter the living room

"No, Case. I'm sorry"

"Alex, you have nothing to be sorry for. I didn't realise that coming out has been such a big deal for you, my parents were down to earth and I'd seen how they reacted to gay people when I was growing up, they were just so accepting. It was easy coming out, and I didn't realise it was really hard for some people. Well, I did, I just forgot and I know that's no excuse…I just…I don't want to hide from people and…"

"Casey, I don't want to hide either, I'm just scared. I said I didn't know if I'd be comfortable coming out, but I don't want that to ruin our chances of a relationship. I am terrified of doing things wrong and making mistakes…but…can we give this a try?"

"Do you really want to?" Casey asks hesitantly

Alex nods as she envelopes the redhead into a hug "I would love nothing more"

"I'll excuse myself now, if you're going to put on a show in front of me" Olivia speaks up, alerting both women to the fact that she was still there

"Sorry" Casey blushed

"Do you want to stay for a while Casey?" Alex asks

"But, Olivia…" Casey begins

Olivia chuckles "I was going to see Amanda later anyway. I'm good. You'll call me later Case?"

Casey nods "I will"

"Love you babe" Olivia says hugging her best friend before turning to Alex "Look after her"

Alex nods "I promise"

Once Olivia has left, Casey turns to Alex and gives a small smile "Third time lucky?" she asks

"I think so" Alex responds as she feels her lips be taken in a gentle kiss

Both women sigh at the contact, a gentle exploration before lips are parted and tongues tentatively touch.

When the need to breathe becomes too great, Casey gently breaks the kiss before smiling and resting her forehead against the blondes "That was nice"

"Really?" Alex asks

Casey raises a brow "Was it not for you?"

"No, I mean, it was more than nice. But was I okay?"

Casey chuckles internally at Alex's self doubt, something that sounds foreign coming from the normally confident blonde

"Perfect" Casey whispers before placing another kiss on the blonde's lips, this one a little briefer

"I'm sorry I hurt you Casey"

"I know, and I'm sorry too. Fresh start?"

"I think so…" Alex says pulling Casey into her arms and she sits down on the couch "What shall we do?"

"How about we just cuddle and talk?"

"I'd like that" Alex agrees "Is it okay for me to hold you?"

"Of course"

"I don't want to hide Casey, but I'm scared. I don't want to rush anything"

"Neither do I. Alex, we go at your pace okay. I won't pressure you to come out, but when you're ready, I'll be here for you"

"Thank you"

Casey looks up and smiles at the blonde "Alex, relax. I'm here"

"I know. I'm just…nervous. What happens now?"

"We get to know each other, we take things slow and you talk to me about your fears and concerns and I'll talk to you about mine. We be honest and we lean on each other"

Alex nods "Shall we order take out, or do you not like that sort of food?"

"Take out is fine, what do you like?"

"I eat anything"

"I would have thought you'd be a health addict, salads, and the like…"

"Why?"

"I don't know. How do stay so slim and eat take out?"

Alex shrugs "I run. What about you?"

"I don't…I mean, I'm not slim"

Alex looks at the redhead questionably "Of course you are"

"No, I'm not. I could lose a bit, I know I'm not that attractive" Casey says

"Are you serious? Casey, you're gorgeous. Seriously, you don't need to lose weight, of course not. You've got muscle, I like that"

"I play softball"

"Really?"

"Lesbian stereotypes much?"

"No" Alex says quickly "I just didn't expect it, that's all"

"You run?"

"Yeah, regularly"

"Me too" Casey grins "We could run together"

"I'd like that" Alex responds "Tomorrow"

"What?"

"Stay here tonight and we can run in the morning…" Alex suggests

"I…Alex?"

"I've got a spare room if you're worried about that"

"No, I…are you sure? This isn't going too fast?"

"I don't know, is it?"

Casey shrugs "Not for me, but…"

"I wouldn't have asked if I wasn't sure" Alex assures the redhead as she sits up a little, pulling back from the redhead "Why do you put yourself down all the time?"

"I don't"

"You do. Casey, you really are beautiful, I mean that. You're strong, brave, and smart, you have a huge heart and you've got so much going for you, you shouldn't sell yourself short"

Casey shrugs "You mean that?"

Alex nods "I do"

"Thank you" Casey says tearfully

Alex furrows her brows "Hey…talk to me"

"No one's ever said that…I mean like that" Casey says

"Not even Olivia?"

"Yeah, but she's Liv. We've been friends for ages, you know. She's like a big sister to me. It's different"

"Well, I mean it. It's true. You're amazing Casey"

Casey nods and buries her head into the blonde's shoulder "Thank you"

It's been a very emotional day, but finally, Alex and Casey are where they belong, with each other.

**Let me know what you think. I might continue this, depends on how much feedback I get. I'll leave it open for now. **


End file.
